I always seem to find myself here late at night, pouring out all my deepest thoughts to some screen that has no ability to butt in or tell me whats best, just a screen the allows me the freedom to release all the thoughts that seem to get locked inside me with no where to go.
The last two weeks have been … a blur? Maybe that is the best way to put it. I got the call around 10pm on the 22nd, Sis just said “mom’s in the hospital, she tried to kill herself and they took her in the ambulance.” I didn’t even know what to think it was almost as if my mind sorta went blank for an instant.. Hadn’t I just gone through the fear of the man I love trying to do this? And why? I knew she had been under stress from talking to one of my aunts, but for whatever reason I guess I didn’t see how bad it was getting. I still don’t know the answer as to why I didn’t see it was leading down that path but I wish I had. I immediately called the hospital, one good thing about having a grand mother who worked there for 20 plus years.. you never forget the number lol. What they told me I was not prepared for, Mom was on a ventilator not breathing on her own.. I know mom has had her troubles in the past and she has worked so very had the last few years to make things right and to be a better person and she has made me so proud of how far she has come and yet here I was being told that she was on a ventilator and they didn’t really know when she would wake up.
Hearing something like that will instantly send you into a state of “I must be dreaming..” I got a ride down the next morning and seeing my mother laying there hooked up to this machine. There are just no words to describe how that feels all I do know is I felt totally helpless, there was nothing I could do but talk to her, everything I had never said flooded my mind and I prayed that she knew that she was my world through all the ups and downs, good and bad she has been a huge part of my life she helped me become the person I am today weather she knows it or not.. When people say that I am strong, I know that, that comes from my mother.. She is a fighter and always has been, even in her weakest moments and days her spirit has never stopped fighting and I have never lost sight of that and it is why I never gave up on her.
For more then 48 hours I seen mom lay there, opening her eyes here and there to look right at me and I could see the fear in her eyes I knew she wasn’t really sure where she was or why.. She slowly began holding her eyes open longer and nodding at me she sure was feisty about getting that tube out though lol. When she was fully awake and the tube was gone.. She didn’t remember why she was there so I had to tell her.. Even in having to explain that all I could think was thank you god for not taking her just yet.
Some people may read about my past, they may have been there as I lived it, I have many ask me how I can be ok with things I lived.. I can never quiet give a direct reason that ever makes sense to anyone, but I think it is my ability to love and forgive because I know all to well that I would want others to forgive me my mistakes.. in all I have lived through as I grew older I knew one thing for sure.. no matter what my mother loved me, even if sometimes she did’t understand how to show it, I could list you a million nightmares I lived but instead I choose to live and remember and hold dear all the good.. The laughter that the woman has brought to my life has been unmeasurable no one can make you laugh like my mother can, I can tell you that I can’t remember a single night that I went to bed hungry even if it meant she had to ask the neighbors for food. I can’t remember a single night that I went to sleep and my mother wasn’t in the house with me and their when I woke up in the morning. Or a single time that my mother wouldn’t gladly jump on anyone who dared harm or cross her family. She would defend the innocent in what ever way she could. When I think about the good my mother has brought to my life the bad times and memories no longer mean anything to me they are simply events that made me the woman I am today, and I have to say I like who I am I know that my heart is good and I thank my mother for that.
I have learned in my life people will always make mistakes.. we are human and it’s unavoidable life hands people their own afflictions to over come but it is what is in their hearts that matter and if their heart is good forgiveness comes easily.. loving them is even easier.
Later today, Mom will get on a bus and she will be heading to North Carolina to live with my brother. My heart is both over joyed and broken. Not broken because I do not want her to go just sad that she will be further now. Sad that I will miss the start of a new life for her. I want nothing more than mom to find true happiness to see their is a life outside what she has lived the last 20 plus years. There is peace for her and I want her to find it, if anyone deserves it she does. I hope her and my brother are able to repair their bond as it should be, goodness knows it is long over due. I want him to see all the beauty that she is I want him to come to understand what I have known all along that we only have one mother and we are pretty lucky to have gotten her.
There is more I had planned to say but my mind just hasn’t organized it into clear thought just yet.
For now I will say good night, I love you mommy.. You are my heart.
Eccentric Writing 